Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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