oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
