just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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