if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
