sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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