I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
These tits shall not be calmed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
