the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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