Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
no you cant smoke seaweed
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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