Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize