He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize