I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
