I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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