Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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