Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
