He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize