If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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