I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize