My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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