who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize