I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
