Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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