Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
