your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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