to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Operation Purity has been aborted
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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