So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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