its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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