Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
