Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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