My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
