I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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