Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
