I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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