Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
