ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
