there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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