the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
