one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Farmville is her only friend.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
