I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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