I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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