On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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