Dude my mom stole all your condoms
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
