Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
