Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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