Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
