You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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