Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize