Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
