So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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