After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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