my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize