plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is Oprah even human
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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