2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
