Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
