Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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