Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
