got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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