Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I believe in your delicious
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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