I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
