You just made me feel so damn special
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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