I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
