My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
