the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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