we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
